Many of you know that Bryan and I lost 2 babies between Ali (child #3) and Natty (child #4), and I am currently pregnant with baby #5, and it’s a boy (yay!). After having Natty I honestly thought this pregnancy would be easier to go through. I told myself, “We have one healthy beautiful little baby. My body can do this again. Everything should be good.”
But honestly, this pregnancy has been harder than Natty’s, and I think it’s because of several reasons.
One reason is simply the emotional struggle. Once a week or so I have a little (or semi big) breakdown where I just panic that we’re going to lose this baby as well. I so badly want one more little boy, and truthfully, I am so ready to be done with being pregnant and to finally move on from this phase of life that I’m afraid it won’t happen. Our last baby (Lord-willing) and we finally get our little boy! Is God really going to give me exactly what I want???
It almost sounds too good to be true.
I often find myself struggling, wondering, and worrying, “What if we lose this one too?”. What will we tell Micah and his sisters? How will I go through that again? How will I handle being pregnant again!? Lord God, I am ready to be done with this phase and to move on!!
I know God isn’t a cosmic kill-joy (at least in my head) but sometimes my heart doesn’t seem to match up.
God isn’t going to take this baby just to be mean. Nor is He waiting to pull the rug out from under my family. He’s not up in Heaven biding His time until He can bring pain and sorrow upon me once again.
And yet, based on some of my prayers during this pregnancy, that’s exactly what you would think I believed. I have begged God for this baby and for his life. I have bartered and pleaded as if God was some stingy old man who only doled out “yes” to people who could give Him something in return.
But what would my prayers look like if I prayed believing God was truly a loving and kind heavenly Father from whom every good and gracious gift comes (James 1:17)?
How would I pray differently?
When the times of fear and anxiety come, how would I handle them if I believed that God was working all things out for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)?
For one thing this pregnancy would probably be a lot easier on me.
It’s true I would still have no assurance that we would get to keep this new baby, but I’d have more peace in the fact that no matter what happens, my family would be okay.
I wouldn’t be able to say everything will always turn out perfectly, but at least I’d know Who was in control and would be able to rest in that.
I might still struggle with fear and doubt, but I’d also have hope and joy because my God is good and I would know He has a good plan for my family.
How would I pray differently if I truly believed God was good and gracious and my loving heavenly Father?
So, what about you? What do your prayers show?