Last night I had an incredibly hard time. I’m going to blame it on hormones and being tired and potentially an attack. Whatever the reason, I was terrified of life and depressed. Rina was asleep in her room and Bry and I were getting ready for bed when Rina whimpered. It seriously was nothing, she didn’t even wake up for it. But the thought crossed my mind – what if one day I’m not here to hear Rina cry and comfort her?!?!
Terrible I know. All of a sudden every fear for my children I’ve ever struggled over came back and it was all I could do to keep myself together. I was terrified of them being in pain and having to watch it happen. Or not being there to comfort them or… The thought crossed my mind – maybe it’s better to never have kids bc then you never have to watch them struggle or go through pain. I can’t tell you how afraid I was last night.
God was gracious and I was able to get control of myself before bed and fell asleep ok (yes I prayed). But this morning it was still heavy on my heart. While nursing Micah I realized a hymn had been running through my head and I hadn’t even noticed it until I got to this line,
“how sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he brings. But greater still the calm assurance this child can face uncertain days bc He lives.”
The thought of Rina and Micah ever hurting is still not easy and I still have no assurance that their lives will be pain free. In fact, chances are they will both have hurts and pains sometimes in their life. BUT, Jesus lives and God is good. My children, even my self can face uncertain days bc He lives.
Bc He lives I can face tomorrow
Bc He lives all fear is gone
Bc I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just bc He lives