Aug 28th is the due date for the little one I am now carrying
Aug 29th is Shiloh’s date of birth
So many emotions right now. So many thoughts. For the most part I am honestly focused on this little one and being (overly) ready to have this baby. I am excited, anxious, nervous, and ready!! But every once in awhile I think about what else is coming this month. The one year anniversary of my precious little boy.
I miss him.
In the beginning part of me thought ‘how neat if I had this baby on Shiloh’s birth date. What a way to redeem that day!’ But the more I thought about it the less I liked that idea. It may sound incredibly foolish but the only thing Shiloh has is a day. His birth day. A day to remember his little life, to honor his memory. I want Aug 29th to belong to Shiloh and I don’t want to ask him to share it. I want one day to remember my son, one day that’s completely his. I have prayed many times that this little one be born any other day… even in September if need be.
Shortly after we lost Shiloh a friend gave me a journal to write/pray in. I was reading through some of my earlier entries and this one caught my attention:
“Father, I feel like in the past 2 years I have lost part of my innocence. I now know what it is to grieve – at least in one sense. I know what it is to say goodbye to one you love and feel a hole in your heart that will never go away. … To say ‘Your will be done’ and then be horrified when it actually happens. It is hard for me to pray for Your will to be done these days bc I know how much it can hurt…. I want to say ‘take it all! Everything is Your’s, I only need Jesus.’ But I have glimpsed the pain that would bring and I am afraid. I do not want to hurt again like that. I do not want to put my children on the altar. … Forgive me, Father, I know You are all I need but there is so much more I want besides You and I am afraid to ask You to change me. I am learning in small ways what You are capable of of. I do trust You… I am just afraid.”
I feel like I’ve run a marathon in this past year. I hope I’ve grown and learned at least a little from it. I hope God has used this to encourage/challenge/teach at least one other person and that He has been pleased. I hope my little boy is proud of his momma.
Thanks for walking this road this past year with me. Thank you for the prayers and the encouragement. I know my blogs haven’t always been the most uplifting 🙂 As my family will tell you – I can be a bit overly-dramatic at times 😉 Lord-willing we are about to enter a new season. The season of “LIFE.”
BUT even if we’re not, I know and can honestly say I serve the God who is Life itself. And while one day I get to experience that fully with a little boy by my side, I get to experience part of that Life here and now. Bc I serve an amazingly faithful God. Who is also very good.