I’ve continued to occasionally pray for revival for the last couple of mos and it hit me one day – I was praying for revival mainly bc I believed it would make my life easier and safer.
You see, if a revival occurs then I obviously don’t have to worry about my kids being true believers in Jesus bc they’ll have experienced a revival so of course they will be! And I won’t even have to worry about the safety of my children or future of my nation or myself bc there’s been a revival so of course, most people will think like me, vote like I vote, and do what I do and life will be great.
I was greatly convicted that even in praying for revival it was all about me. So, I acknowledged my sin before God and cont’d to pray for revival.
Several Sundays ago I struggled greatly during the time of singing. Not bc of the songs or the service – it was an amazing service, but bc I couldn’t let go of the guilt, shame and embarrassment I felt over some incredibly stupid and arrogant things I had said that week. I was floored by my own audacity.
Now, the Holy Spirit had already convicted me of these things and I had previously asked for God’s forgiveness of my sin and accepted it but that Sunday I couldn’t shake it. “Oh Lord, I’m not worthy of worshiping You! Look at what I did! Oh what a fool I am, how arrogant I am, why do You even put up with me?!!” On and on this went and I had an incredibly hard time focusing on God (go figure).
Then the Holy Spirit gently said “Erika, this isn’t about you, it’s all about Me. So get up, stop focusing on your sin that’s been forgiven and focus on Me!” And I realized that once again I had made it all about me. Even my “humility” was simply a pity party turning my time of worship into a time to reflect and make it all about me.
I don’t know if I can honestly say I have ever done anything in my life that was all about God and not at all about me. My flesh is incredibly strong and I love to feed it and feed off it. But you know what, I continue to worship, continue to pray and I continue to seek the face of my God and ask him for revival. I will acknowledge my sin of pride when the Holy Spirit shows me that once again I have made it all about me. I ask for forgiveness, accept it and try to move on.
We will never be perfect this side of eternity. Your flesh like my flesh will probably continue to be involved until the day we die… but may we continue to pursue God anyway.