It has been quite awhile since I’ve done a personal blog so I figured it was time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Shiloh lately. It still amazes me that this little boy who I only carried for 4 mos and held in my arms for a few short hours could have produced such a big hole in my heart.
I miss him. Oh, I am doing much better. I am thankful for the children I have, and very thankful for this little life that is growing inside of me, but I still miss my baby boy.
The other night we were sitting around as a family playing with legos and I couldn’t help but wonder what might be different if Shiloh had lived. He’d be about 3 mos old now. Would he have been awake and in my arms, or most likely sleeping in his bassinet? Either way, he would have been with us, part of our family.
Last night I realized how empty my arms were feeling. I want to hold a baby again. I want to have a little face to kiss, a little body to carry, a little mouth to feed. If I had my choice it would still be his mouth, his body, his face.
I wonder what he’s like. What’s his personality. Does he like trucks and trains like Micah or would he be into sports or bugs? Would he be a little guy or tall like his siblings? Would he be loud and rambunctious or quiet and a thinker?
I like to picture him in his grandpa Rick’s arms, before the throne of God, worshipping, completely happy and content. And as thankful as I am for the picture, I still long for the day when I’m the one holding him before the throne. I cannot wait to meet my little boy.
My precious little Shiloh.
We are doing well. This baby and I. Apparently we are both growing without a problem… a little too much growth considering I am only 6 mos, but considering what the alternative is, I’ll take it 🙂
God is good, and He is faithful. And one day He will make me whole and complete. But for now, there is a hole in my heart the size of a little boy. I’m thankful it’s there. It means my little boy lived and is loved. And it means I can never forget.