It’s amazing how perspective changes as you get older. I used to feel invincible, like nothing terrible would ever happen to me or to someone I loved. Life felt pretty comfortable.
And then we went through some hard times and painful struggles and those years changed me.
Since then, life has never felt solid or safe to me. I never completely got my equilibrium back. I am more aware that bad things can happen to me and to someone I love; that life can hurt, a lot.
It’s scary to live that way sometimes. I miss the old naivety I used to have. The idea that every pregnancy would naturally end in a healthy baby, every parent would live to a ripe old age, and my children would never face painful situations (at least until they were old enough to understand).
I am different and life feels different. For the most part it’s fine and I rarely think about it. But every once in awhile I can tell, “Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m not the same person anymore” and I don’t always know how to handle that.
Because although you do heal, you never go back.
Will the life to come mean that much more because of this? Will seeing the face of Jesus mean that much more to me because I’ve been through this? Will the pain and heartache make eternity that much more amazing?
Suffering isn’t the absence of God; suffering is where God’s presence can be most intimately felt.
God is near to the brokenhearted even when they don’t feel like He is.
Pain and heartache, love and loss. Peace is not the absence of pain. Peace is having purpose in the pain.
Maybe I’m just tired (sick kids will do that to you). Or, maybe I’m just hormonal (yep, that can happen too). Either way, I feel older; a bit less naive about life and a bit more weary and tired.
BUT
I have seen my God be faithful. I have seen my God be strong. I have seen my God carry me. I have seen the face of my God, and He is lovely.